February 1, 2002

(Wow....Some people are TRULY bored....)

I received a completely fascinating web document just yesterday, forwarded to me by my husband.  Guess he doesn’t think I have enough to do.  Certainly, the fellow from Norway who created the document has entirely too much time on his hands.  His site has specific instructions on how to create a matchstick airplane, complete with “engines.”  Want to guess what the engines are?  Cryogenically frozen flies, glued to the wings.  Four of ‘em.  You are supposed to catch flies, put them into deep freeze and, while they are “sleeping,” use rubber cement to attach them to your matchstick fighter plane.  (Gives new meaning to the phrase, “Cool your engines,” doesn’t it?)  Then, you blow gently on them to warm them and wake them up.  I can imagine if only one of them awoke at a time...

Fly #1:  “Whew!  Where am I?  OH, my GOSH!  Can’t move my legs!  Fly away, fly away!”

(At this point the airplane will begin to shudder and shake a bit, until the next one wakes up….)

Fly #2 awakens:  Fumes??  Ack!  I HATE the smell of rubber cement!  Fly away, fly away!”

(The matchstick plane begins to rotate ever so slightly, still shuddering and shaking….)  

Fly #3 awakens:  “What the?  Damn, I’m outta here!”

(The plane takes off and does an immediate nosedive to the left.)

Fly #4 blinks awake:  “Aw, MAN!  ANOTHER idiot has glued me to a matchstick….”

(Perfect flight right by the cat and into the fireplace.)

Know what’s scary?  This fellow seems to think that the flies will enjoy all of this.  No kidding, he says that they NEVER get to do things like this and will relish the opportunity.  You are making their little lives much more interesting.  Beats sitting on cow dung all day. 

I talked about this with my kids and we came up with a better plan.  How’z about we use those little bitty skateboards called “Tech Decks” and glue a locust to one?  We could have races!  They’d sound like tiny little Harley’s going down the street and would grab the attention of the obnoxious little eight year old who lives nearby.   If he wanted to try one out, I’d have to tell him that he’d have to take one to his mom and check with her first, of course.  While she’s cooking dinner. 

Obnoxious kid:  “Mom!  Look what I have!!!!  Can I make one?”
Locust on skateboard:  “bzzzzzzzzzzzz”
Mom:  “*Scrrreeeeeeeeetch*”

He’d be grounded and we wouldn’t have to see his troublesome face for some time.  =D

So, you see, there ARE productive things to do in your spare time.  Moms and Dads take note!  If you are looking for something to do for “quality time” with your children, this is the perfect Summer project.  If you’d like the complete instructions for the “fly boy plane” let me know and I’ll forward the document to you.  You, too, can read about it and scratch your head in wonder and puzzlement.  It even comes with illustrations.  But, you’re on your own with the locust-on-a-skateboard idea….

:~)  April

PS:  I do not condone the abuse of gluing insects to anything for family pleasure.  I’m not seriously suggesting that anyone really try this, okay?  Please do not put my name on porno sites, turn off my electricity or send me 10 takeout pizzas, COD.   Thank you. 

Copyright, February, 2002,
April Kelly